You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.