need him
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[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
smh
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible