Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
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The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.