If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
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A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.