I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
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You are what you delete.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.