Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
You Might Also Like
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe