Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
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[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team