Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
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“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Rambo Rambow
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
they finally got him. they got macavity
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy