Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
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They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Well, that didn’t work.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Sniffing the broccoli
just having fun
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!