Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Stop it! 😂
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce