ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
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Copy Editor is a rewording career.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.