If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
You Might Also Like
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, sheβs really good.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Mugger: give me your wallet and you wonβt get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :β(
π
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didnβt dissolve v well but heβd never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Sucking someoneβs finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
β i donβt like taylor swift β π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I wonder if Iβve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
i am:
βͺοΈ a man
βͺοΈ a woman
π at a family get togetherlooking for:
βͺοΈ men
βͺοΈ women
π a way out
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I don’t think my car can fly
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancΓ©βs eyes* yes on dvd