Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
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I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
When I pack too much for a short trip.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
We’ve come full circle
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.