The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
And then there were 4
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.