It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
fair
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.