Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Pretty much. 🤣
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”