“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.