when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
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Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
yeah no that’s fair
*pokes sex life with a stick
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.