I could NOT have put it better myself.
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THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding