Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised