My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.