thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”