If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”