*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”