The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
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Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My first son he is wonderful
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
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Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.