Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
You Might Also Like
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Just a friendly reminder!
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
This is me 🤣🤣
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.