every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
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I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Cndnsd Mlk
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Investing in beetcoin
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.