You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
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[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…