can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
i hope my email finds you on fire
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?