[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
All is fair in drunk and war.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole