Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
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[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
a god among men
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes