Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
What?
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
termite twitter scares me