Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.