For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*