“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
🛁
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.