In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
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Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
BRAKING NEWS!!
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
(Jupiter –
Netflix and awkward silence?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”