Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh