Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
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I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.