Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
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what?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.