Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.