Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
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The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Don’t we all.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome