I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night