[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
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My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started