ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!