clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
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My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation