[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
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My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.