I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
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If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.