I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo