[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
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“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.