Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Well, that didn’t work.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.